WHEN IS IT BEST TO BE SILENT? As Yaakov (Jacob) blesses his children,
he tells his eldest, Reuven, that kingship will not come from him as he
forfeited the birthright when he had relations with Bilha , Yaakovs wife/maidservant.(Genesis
49:4) What is striking is that during both of these incidents, Yaakov remained virtually silent. In the Reuven story the Torah tells us that Yaakov heard what had happened but the text indicates no reprimand from the patriarch. (Genesis 35:22) In the Shechem story Yaakov tells Shimon and Levi that they had made him look bad because the inhabitants of the city could retaliate. This was only a mild rebuke on the part of Yaakov. (Genesis 34:30) Why does Yaakov hold back and say nothing or little until the end of his life? Perhaps Yaakov’s approach teaches us something about speech. On the one hand it is speech which makes us unique. Rabbi Yehuda Halevy in his Kuzari labels the human being as a “medaber.” Speaking is central to human relationships. As long as a couple for example, is speaking to each other even acrimoniously, the relationship is soluble. But if they are silent, unable to talk, trouble is at hand. There are occasions when it is best not to speak, as saying something could destroy a relationship. Good judgment is needed to know when the timing is appropriate to reveal a deep hurt. But it often takes great wisdom to know when it is best not to talk and not to reveal a deeper emotion. It may be that Yaakov doesn’t speak as these incidents unfolded, fearful that whatever he would say could possibly ruin his relationship with his eldest children. Only years later, when the relationships were solid, was the time right to speak out. Openness is often best displayed in a safe environment – and silence can sometimes preserve relationships. Silence also sometimes is a reaction, when words simply will not suffice. It is told of the Klausenberger rebbe that after losing his wife and 11 children in the Holocaust that he gave the following dvar Torah at a brit (circumcision ceremony): He proclaimed that the words “be-damayech chayi, by your bloods shall you live”, the verse said twice in the brit ceremony, should be understood to mean “by your silence you should live”. The word “dam” can mean blood, but it also could come from the word “domem”, which means silence. There are times in our relationships, even in our relationship to God that it is best to remain silent for words simply cannot express the profound pain that is sometimes felt in times of tragedy. This may also have been the feeling of Yaakov as he stood by and watched his sons commit tragic mistakes. I felt the need for this type of silence last week in Israel as I stood in the presence of Chaim Didovsky who lost his wife in a recent terror attack leaving six children, and with Lazar Amitai whose wife was killed in the Kfar Darom bus attack, leaving 4 children. The pain was so deep, the tears so profound that there was little to say. There were no words, it was best not to speak. As these horrific incidents unfold, we bite our tongues and struggle to find the words, but the silence, as that of Yaakov of old, shows our deep love, solidarity and pain toward our brothers and sisters. Shabbat Shalom! © 5761/2001. All rights
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